I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
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Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
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