Midget sex pt 2 tonight
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
