apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
