i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
