You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
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Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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