My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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