So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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