So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
