I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
