Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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