a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
