I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
