Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
