Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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