I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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