I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
