I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
