i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
