just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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