I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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