New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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