I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
