Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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