Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Then you guys just all showered together...?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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