did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
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The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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