Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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