Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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