i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
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Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
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