im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
