Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
