he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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