can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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