if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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