dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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