Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
