Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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