I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
