I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
