i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
