there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
