I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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