hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Terrible idea I love it
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
