I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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