Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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