I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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