one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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