I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
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she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
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Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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