peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
