last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
