If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize