Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize