i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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