I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Randomize
