You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
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I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own