He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live