I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
They are going to name an STD after you.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
